thehappyana (thehappyana) wrote in anorexicfriend,
thehappyana
thehappyana
anorexicfriend

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"This is not happening."

   "This is not happening." That's one of my fav lines from X-Files, which was a show that I lived and breathed and adored. I had a reason to escape into the world of Mulder and Scully, I was dealing with my Mom who was at the time very abusive and being molested by 43 year old man. I always pictured Mulder and Scully were my parents, and pictured them holding me and tucking me in at night-keeping the monster and monster adults away. I know it sounds foolish, but all I wanted was to be loved.

   Sometimes I read that rape victims go into a daze when it's happening, to zone out from the experience. I find this to be true with me. I feel extreme guilt about sex, and I have trust issues I am realizing. why am I writing this? I just don't want to feel alone with this pain. I always think I'm over it, but something will trigger the feelings of little girl hopelessness in me, and I'm back to where I started.

  I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me, I just needed to get it out somehow. Giving it to God. Sipping french sparkling water, my new fav treat.

   The lyrics to TLC's song Damaged describe the feeling perfectly.

      I know I’m kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don’t always say, what’s on my mind
You know that I’ve been hurt, by some guy
But I don’t wanna mess up this time

[bridge]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I’m kinda scared
Cos I don’t want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you

[chorus]

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don’t wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you’re all mine
I’m a little paranoid, from what I’ve been through
Don’t know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (and I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I’m kinda scared (but I’m scared with every touch)
Cos I don’t want to lose you (cos I don’t want to lose you)
If you really really really care (if you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It’s nothing to you (it’s nothing to you, you)

My heart’s at a low (low)
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love (I’m falling in love)
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage (I’m so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I’ve been damaged (I’ve been damaged)
I’m falling in love (I love you so)
There’s one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I’m kinda scared
Cos I don’t want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you (it’s nothing to you)

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that (ooh I think you should know I’ve been damaged)
I’ve been damaged (I’ve been damaged baby)
I’m falling in love (falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

The hottest songs from TLC



  Much of my ed is related to this whole thing.<3
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