may24 (may24) wrote in anorexicfriend,

introduction post

hey all, im a new member so i thought i would say a lil(or lot) about myself and my disorder.  im going to be 17 on july 24 and i've had an eating disorder since i was about 8.  i used to be a complusive over eater and my body def showed it.  i was always very skinny in my childhood until we moved from my hometown, then i started ballooning.  there are gaps in my memory, i dont remember hardly any of my child years, so i dont know if something bad happened or i was just thrown off by the move.  anyways i kept on gaining through out my tweens and early teens, reaching the hideous weight of 210 at 15 and 5'7.  i was a very bad cutter since the age of 13 and had attempted suicide about 10 times by this point so i decided to gain control because the main reason i was depressed was because of my disgusting body.    So anorexia slowly creeped into my life in the familiar way, starting by dieting and progressing to even stricter diets, til i eventually just developed an incapacitating fear of food and stopped eating all together.  now i eat only raw fruits and veggies, just the minimum to survive.  even though i hardly eat i still am slightly bigger than normal, weighing 143 at 5'10.  my goals are 130, then 124, then 117.  I start a new school in the fall and i will be a senior, so i am excited to start fresh where noone will know me. i feel that i have to be at my goal weight by sep.3 or my chance for new friends and a life will be ruined.  i dont want to play the role of the fat friend anymore, so if im not skinny i refuse to have friends.  so i started a new regimen yesterday.  today is the 2nd day of my at least 3 day fast, although i will go longer if no one catches on.  i plan to fast for 10 days at the beginning of every month, and eating only a couple pieces of fruit every other day or so.  i cant really do cardio or any other effective weight loss excersise cause ill pass out 2 mins in but i do walk a lot everyday and bike everynight.  i know lots of people talk about suffering from anorexia and being trapped in their disease, but i for one love my anorexia.  its like a constant friend and i never feel completely alone.  i am addicted to the hunger, i have tried many drugs and it gives me the best high.  i cant even function without the gnawing in my stomach, i just feel worthless if my stomach is full.  the pangs are like sensations of joy and pleasure that i cant live without.  i know thats really weird.  my main thinpsos are mk and richie of course, hilary(my main one, shes gorgeous altho shes gained quite a bit lately), gemma ward, conor oberst,  kate hudson n amy winehouse(lotsa ppl think shes ugly but i think shes very pretty and thin now).  anyways sorry this is long n boring i just like talking about myself.  good luck to everyone in their goals---ariel

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