Rose (rose_is_trying) wrote in anorexicfriend,

Modern American Christianity

I need help. I know a couple of you girls are Christians. I started my relationship with God when I was about 12. Like most people, I've had my ups and downs; points where I'm on fire for God, and points where He feels so distant.
I've been going to the same church for almost 2 years. I've been to soooooo many in my life, of all different denominations. I stopped going to my church of 2 years recently (it's an Assemblies of God church, very charasmatic, which I've always identified with very well). I don't know what's wrong with me. Since I left my church, I've visited a few others. I dont identify myself with a specific denomination. I just know the I love God and I want to be His forever. I seem to be SO DISAPOINTED in every church I visit. The reason I left my church of 2 years is because I used to play guitar on the worship team in the kids venue (my church has 12,000 people...there are alot of different venues.) So anyways, during my time playing on the worship team, I saw what things were REALLY like behind the scenes. When you're in the congrgation, everything seems so real and the worhsip team seems genuine and it seems like God is really being glorified. But as a member of the worship team, it was so different. I couldn't stand the things I was seeing. I left the worship team. I left the church.
I am not going to any church right now. I feel distant from God. I don't know what I believe anymore. Modern American Christianity seems so messed up today.
Because I don't know what I believe anymore, the only thing that gets me through the day is a Psalm I read a few days ago. I just keep saying to myself "The Lord is my Hope. The Lord is my strength." I know the Lord is the only thing that will get me through this time. Maybe this has to do with my ED and being depressed often. My mind seems I can't get to God. I just want things to be like they would be after I came home for a youth retreat or youth convention when I was younger. I was SOOOO happy and upbeat about being a child of God. All I wanted and thought about was Him.
I want that. I'm slipping away. I don't want Him to leave me. I feel like if I died, I don't know what would happen to me. And thats the scariest thing in the world to me.
I want to put up a real picture of me. I look nothing like the girl in the picture. I'm blonde. tall. currently at a thin point. Rose isn't even my real name.
If any of you are Christians, please tell me if you ever think these thoughts about the modern church. How do you keep close to God?
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