On another note, on Self.com I was reading their interview with Hilary Duff on how she credits pilates on helping her lose weight and change her body. I really think it's more to it than that. She's so skinny for her body's natural dynamics. I think she isn't eating very much anymore. She went from a C to an A cup!
I always think about the famous girls who fought ed in enerations past. Who can forget the beautiful Karen Carpenter, who battled with it before people called it more than dieting? She lost her life at such a young age from it. Marie Osmond had bulimia and she continues to battle depression to this day. I think problems with food and women are much more common than is let on, it's important that we shouldn't feel ashamed for how we feel.
Today my boyfriend Alex had a serious talk with me about everything. I just giggled when he brought things uo and dodged it. I didn't mean to, but I explained to him that talking about it embarrasses me. It makes me feel ashamed that when I do eat, I can't help but throw it up. I feel guilty over eating fruit or cucumber.
There are two sides to me.
1. World Kara-I'm very wrapped up in what others think of me, afraid people will stop loving me,inhealthy views of food,anxious,can get depressed,discouraged easily.
2. Soul Kara- the girl that I am when I'm not on this crutch. I'm devoted to helping people, living for God, and making the world a better place. I like this Kara more for what I am all around.
I would like to bring up an important thing. Food was my first comfort. My Mom and Dad beat each other in front ot me. I remember being under my blankies about three or four, and I had my "baba" and was just watching them go at it. I felt safe with my bottle. That led me to find comfort in food. As a result, I have come to think that any food will make me fat and even veggies will make me increase in size overnight.
I would be interested to here if any of you out there feel an inner struggle between your ana and yourself that you truly want to be. Hugs.