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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Anorexic Friendship Circle's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
10:37 am
[thehappyana]
Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
11:57 pm
[thehappyana]
Fat is pain.
Fat is pain.
Pain is fat.
Ugggh!
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
12:01 am
[thehappyana]
"This is not happening."
   "This is not happening." That's one of my fav lines from X-Files, which was a show that I lived and breathed and adored. I had a reason to escape into the world of Mulder and Scully, I was dealing with my Mom who was at the time very abusive and being molested by 43 year old man. I always pictured Mulder and Scully were my parents, and pictured them holding me and tucking me in at night-keeping the monster and monster adults away. I know it sounds foolish, but all I wanted was to be loved.

   Sometimes I read that rape victims go into a daze when it's happening, to zone out from the experience. I find this to be true with me. I feel extreme guilt about sex, and I have trust issues I am realizing. why am I writing this? I just don't want to feel alone with this pain. I always think I'm over it, but something will trigger the feelings of little girl hopelessness in me, and I'm back to where I started.

  I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me, I just needed to get it out somehow. Giving it to God. Sipping french sparkling water, my new fav treat.

   The lyrics to TLC's song Damaged describe the feeling perfectly.

      I know I’m kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don’t always say, what’s on my mind
You know that I’ve been hurt, by some guy
But I don’t wanna mess up this time

[bridge]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I’m kinda scared
Cos I don’t want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you

[chorus]

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don’t wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you’re all mine
I’m a little paranoid, from what I’ve been through
Don’t know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (and I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I’m kinda scared (but I’m scared with every touch)
Cos I don’t want to lose you (cos I don’t want to lose you)
If you really really really care (if you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It’s nothing to you (it’s nothing to you, you)

My heart’s at a low (low)
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love (I’m falling in love)
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage (I’m so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I’ve been damaged (I’ve been damaged)
I’m falling in love (I love you so)
There’s one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I’m kinda scared
Cos I don’t want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you (it’s nothing to you)

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that (ooh I think you should know I’ve been damaged)
I’ve been damaged (I’ve been damaged baby)
I’m falling in love (falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

The hottest songs from TLC



  Much of my ed is related to this whole thing.<3
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
11:35 pm
[thehappyana]
Hi there! Less than 500 cals.
     Hi Guys! I'm sorry I have been not updating thic community as often as I'd like to. My computer has been having problems and yada yada yada. In my journal, I have been documenting trying to get betetr from this whole thing. I actually confessed to my boyfriend everything a few weeks ago. It feels good to have the secret out. he really doesn't parent or watch my progress. I gained five pounds from being sick so now I'm on mega restriction. I'm doing this luquid and hard low cal candy diet to lose the five pounds I've gained. I think I will never be able to eat normal because I'm short and everything I eat  shows up on me! I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. my goal is 94 pounds by Sept 4th. 94 for 9-4! I have been praying and reading the bible a lot. I think this is going to help me be more joyul despite everything.

I've discoved that shoving three fingers down my throat gets up so much more than two. It kicks my butt.


   
My cal intake today.

    2 handful apple cherrios.:-(
    
    a couple sour patch candies

    three rice cakes 40 cals each

    smart ones mac and cheese 300calories which was thrown up.
 
    I almost slipped up and bought my fav candy. Warheads Strawberry Rolls. 100 cals a roll. I toyed with it, but put it back. My friendbbought it after she saw me next to it and offered me one but I said no. i was really happy I did because I saw these two HUGE girls today buying tons and tons of food to sneak into a movie. I'm not trying to be mean, but these girls bouth looked about 3001 a piece realistically and they are in college. They were sloppy and didn't take care of themselves. They told me how they sneak chinese food and other stuff into the movies. Yuck!!!

   Totally took away my appetite. It reminds me how much visuals trigger me.

    Keep in touch!








  

Monday, July 2nd, 2007
12:06 am
[meg8700]
Intro Post!!!!

Hi guys! 

I can't remember if I posted an intro post (too lazy to scoll down a few entries!), but if I didn't....hello! My name is Meg and I'm 20 years old. I am currently in my sophomore year of college and I'm majoring in Neuroscience and I'm pre-med. I recently took a LONG hiatus from livejournal because I was taking spring science classes (ugh). At the begginning, I got really sick due to my low weight and the stress of school. Add that to the hell that I'm dealing with in my parents house and I ended up with a trip to the hospital. After some time, I was able to go back to class, and I've been on the mend ever since. Feel free to friend me guys, I love hearing from all of you and I think some people thought that I had left for good, so I'm so lonely!!!!! ^_^. 
LW: 91 (High school)
CW: 108
HW: 129
STGW: 100 (baby steps!)
LTGW: 95-92-ish




I have gotten used to eating much more than i used to months ago, and now I can't even fast for one day without dying! Can anyone help with this? <3 you guys!

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
11:56 am
[may24]
introduction post

hey all, im a new member so i thought i would say a lil(or lot) about myself and my disorder.  im going to be 17 on july 24 and i've had an eating disorder since i was about 8.  i used to be a complusive over eater and my body def showed it.  i was always very skinny in my childhood until we moved from my hometown, then i started ballooning.  there are gaps in my memory, i dont remember hardly any of my child years, so i dont know if something bad happened or i was just thrown off by the move.  anyways i kept on gaining through out my tweens and early teens, reaching the hideous weight of 210 at 15 and 5'7.  i was a very bad cutter since the age of 13 and had attempted suicide about 10 times by this point so i decided to gain control because the main reason i was depressed was because of my disgusting body.    So anorexia slowly creeped into my life in the familiar way, starting by dieting and progressing to even stricter diets, til i eventually just developed an incapacitating fear of food and stopped eating all together.  now i eat only raw fruits and veggies, just the minimum to survive.  even though i hardly eat i still am slightly bigger than normal, weighing 143 at 5'10.  my goals are 130, then 124, then 117.  I start a new school in the fall and i will be a senior, so i am excited to start fresh where noone will know me. i feel that i have to be at my goal weight by sep.3 or my chance for new friends and a life will be ruined.  i dont want to play the role of the fat friend anymore, so if im not skinny i refuse to have friends.  so i started a new regimen yesterday.  today is the 2nd day of my at least 3 day fast, although i will go longer if no one catches on.  i plan to fast for 10 days at the beginning of every month, and eating only a couple pieces of fruit every other day or so.  i cant really do cardio or any other effective weight loss excersise cause ill pass out 2 mins in but i do walk a lot everyday and bike everynight.  i know lots of people talk about suffering from anorexia and being trapped in their disease, but i for one love my anorexia.  its like a constant friend and i never feel completely alone.  i am addicted to the hunger, i have tried many drugs and it gives me the best high.  i cant even function without the gnawing in my stomach, i just feel worthless if my stomach is full.  the pangs are like sensations of joy and pleasure that i cant live without.  i know thats really weird.  my main thinpsos are mk and richie of course, hilary(my main one, shes gorgeous altho shes gained quite a bit lately), gemma ward, conor oberst,  kate hudson n amy winehouse(lotsa ppl think shes ugly but i think shes very pretty and thin now).  anyways sorry this is long n boring i just like talking about myself.  good luck to everyone in their goals---ariel

Monday, June 25th, 2007
4:44 am
[thehappyana]
Do any of you feel sick all time?
  Do any of you feel sick all time? This cannot be good. I'm up at 4am in pain. I'm home from vacation. Send me some love.<3
Sunday, June 17th, 2007
8:25 pm
[thehappyana]
Extreme Goddess Diet
Keep moving your body.

My ana bracelet always helps me. If I'm really hungry a dried plum helps, or a pickle, or a cucumber. I will be 105 by my boyfriend's birthday at the end of July. I will, I will, I will! Good things are gonna happen girls, we just gotta stick with it. More photos very soon. Took some beautiful ones today. Does anyone do art or music of any sorts? Tell me what you are good at,besides barfing heehee.

My good stuff.

Former Vice President of Art Club
Theatre and student film actress
Voiceovers for Fox
Flute and Choir

My biggest dream is to write very well. I want to write so well, I can pay my bills. Love you guys!!! I mean, girls!:-)

Current Mood: accomplished
10:06 am
[thehappyana]
Water and air.
If I eat and don't throw up, I feel sick for days afterward. I don't think my body can take food anymore. Just like babyfood or something like applesauce. Does anyone else deal with this?

My computer has been down, but my lovely boyfriend is going to try and fix it today. He is super smart with computers. Thankfully, one of is.:-D

Trying to be optimistic as possible. Went to one of the worst neighborhoods in orlando yesterday. I thought I had a struggle, and I look at them and realize how spoiled I am. I'm thankful for my ana. As much as I know the sensible thing would be to try and recover, I don't want to. I like it. Sure, it has it's up and downs. Does anyone really quit it? It's more like putting it on hold.

I haven't weighed myself all week. My period is coming !tmi! and everything is all sensitive.

Vacation goals.

Calorie limits 200-350 cals a day.

Don't pig out on food.

Be very very active.

Drink 3 liters water a day.

Goal we- gotta go boyfriend's ahhhhh!!!!!
Monday, June 11th, 2007
11:29 am
[thehappyana]
Be good tummy!
It's a fast day for me. After having to eat this weekend, I want to get back to game shape.My tummy is being a whining little thing. It's not growling, just hurting. No chance today tummy! I need Rolaids, they really help. Those Rolaid softchews.

My goals this week are ambitious but 100% LIKELY.

Highest Weight-145
Current Weight-about 123
Lowest Adult Weight-105
Goal Weight- 93 pounds.

This week's goal weight is 116.5 pounds with clothes on by Friday.

I have something to bring up. My boyfriend and I were watching Glenn Beck last night, and Glenn was interviewing Janice Dickinson to world's first supermodel. Glenn brought up how he doesn't allow fashion magazines in the house, and how models are too skinny and why don't they all eat a sandwich.

At the same time, I was surfing the net for reverse thinspiration videos and other pro-ana things, My boyfriend caught me looking at the reverse thinspiration things and asked me why I was doing it. I said"to remind myself not to be fat."

He like" That's what they are talking about on here. Why are you doing it?"

I said" Because I live on this planet!"

Like it or not, we are judged by our features. Would you rather by an old beat up car or a flashy slick new black sports car with all the fixins? As a woman, I feel the need to stay competitve and attractive in society for acdeptance. It has a lot to do with other females accepting us too.

Somewhere in Africa, they practice female circumcision. If you don't know the horror or it, a twelve year old girl is iced and has her clit removed without an painkiller to keep her from craving sex and reming pure. They figure if that pleasure it out of it, she will only give herself to her husband and not commit adultery. Let me just say, I don't think woman are always the problem! The girls embrace this, although scared. One girl was reported to say"the other girls don't want to play around you if you are not fixed, you are no acceptable in their eyes."

In the Western world, we have our own battle with weight. As America and other countries grow fatter, so is our need to see bones. To see progress. I am a girl in America, and I don't like it when people say I have put on weight. Of course I love it when they say I'm too skinny. I love to catch a guy's eye when I go throughout my day. It tells me I'm still worth something in this shallow, throw away society.

The Lord sees the heart. I'm not a shallow person on the inside. At least, I hope not that much. I just am trying to keep up in a land where everyone shoots first, and asks questions later.

So to my boyfriend, I'm in a catch 22 with the world. Do I embrace"Real Beauty" or keep up with the pack? Things to think about. I'm going to the gym now. Love,love,love!

Current Mood: giddy
Sunday, June 10th, 2007
3:20 pm
[thehappyana]
Hi everyone.
Just wanted to say hello to ya'll. My current weight is 123. Yes. I think my new goal weight is 93 just cause I'm only 5 foot. I have lost 22 pounds so far. Detox tea really helps. Detox,people,detox!

Also, I ahve discovered the joy of exercises you do on the floor. I'm too weak to do hours of cardio like I used to but I do all those butt kicks and tummy crunches and other things. Just a thought to you.<3

God Bless all you guys! I'm going to Key west next week.

Current Mood: creative
Friday, June 8th, 2007
12:37 am
[thehappyana]
First time for everything.
The most important quality, my most important jewel in my heart is to be kind. Kindness is everything. It's so important. I seek knowledge, and sense, wisdom, beauty---but being kind true blue is most important of them all. There are some things in life I must do that are above my head, but being kind is something I can live and be no matter how much I have or have not.

In life, I just want to help and be of service. We have to bring out beauty it the world. The world is a very hard place, and it's not getting any better. Each of us makes our own choices to bring out the beauty of life itself.

Ana to me is an art, a discipline that is misunderstood. Okay, so everyone says it's an illness, which it is It's one of the only illnesses you have to be really good at to be sick. I don't want to be sick sick. I do want to be beautiful inside and out, that my body reflect my ambition.
Thursday- One slice of toast.
Today-nothing until I see my boyfriend and have dinner.

Huge hugs!!!

Current Mood: creative
Thursday, June 7th, 2007
10:14 am
[thehappyana]
So Paris out of jail. And it's big news.
I feel so bad about that girl who was abduted and killed in Kansas City outside of Target. It's such a hard time to watch that family cry and sob. It could happen to anyone. They was this little girl named Allie Barella who was abduted when I was a little girl. She was this cute little Mexican girl in Colorado. She was just sitting on her porch eating pizza and her neighbor took her. Sigh. I never forget her, as one of the first times I realized there was deep evil in the world.

Yesterday I worked out awesome. I lost weight one or two pounds yesterday. It's kinda hard to tell with waterin me and clothes. I did lose weight though. I ate one piece of toast for yesterday's breakfast. By the time OI got off work I was lightheaded and ate an ice cream cone. Just the cone. It's twenty cals and took the edge off. Went out to Downtown Disney and had drinks at Planet Hollywood. I never drink but every once in a blue moon. I hate the way alchol makes me feel, but I just wanted to have a good time. After I had a drink and a small garden salad and a few french fries to soak up the booze, I couldn't do it. The feeling of fullness overcame me, the fear of being drunck which is a nightmare for me. Going to the restroom, I stuck my fingers down my throat and barfed loudly. Even though I knew people could hear, the shame was not there to stop me. It's me OR THE FOOD. I threw up everything I could, and listened to the voices outside in the restroom. One of those ladies who is there to hand you soap and lotion soemtimes at night clubs was at the sink. I pressed myself to the bathroom wall preparing for the walk of shame to face her. I sighed and slowly headed out, eyes red and the smell of vomit on my body. I couldn't look her in the eye, but I could hear the jolly kind voice of a black lady and see the bottle of soap she handed to me.

" Are you alright, Sweetie?"

"Yes, I just drank to fast. I never drink." I wash my hands.

" Just take it slow out there."

"Thank you, I'll be alright. I'm not driving."

Going out to face the crowd, my friend said." You threw up ,didn't you?"

I nodded. Something about the way he doesn't judge me makes me feel so much better. I know it's "bad" and I don't need people telling me what I already know. Love me, don't judge me. Throwing up makes me happy in many ways.

Going home for the night, I had a long twisted nightmare that I had this Dad who was trying to kill me and always raped me. I was just a little girl plotting my escape. The nightmare seemed to go on forever. I woke up at 330 am from part one, and then at 830 am I woke up from part two. The ending was good. I tricked him to go into the bedroom and wait for me while I went to the bathroom. Plotting my escape, he found me and I just had enough time to grab onto a balloon and fly into the sky. The ending he was thrwn into a jail where the guards abused him and threw old chicken bones at him.

Drinking sucks.


I dream about food a lot. I'm a vegeterian, and I will have dreams that Im eating a plate of ribs. Yuck. Time to shower, work out, and work. Hvae a great day!@:-)

Current Mood: cheerful
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
10:11 am
[thehappyana]
Thinspo: Thinspo and reverse.
My first thinspo reel

thinspo and reverse, no nudes or anything like that.Collapse ) Ugg I screwed up the lj cut!
1. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

2.Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

3. The next binge could end up like this. Is that a diet coke next to her?
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

4 Walk past the cookies,girl!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

5 We look so hot!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

6. Get off my body, fat!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

7. Ahh, that's better.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

8. Child abuse!!!!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

9. . The concrete screams:" I give up, I surrender, get off me, officer!"
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

10. Wanna be pretty too?
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

11. Dinner!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

12. Lil boy blue
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

13. I want this. That's cute.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

14. I want to punch whoever put this on the net. This is so messed up, and I feel so sorry for that girl. yet it triggers e not to eat just because of what is said.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

15. Sarah Michelle is my thinspo! 98 pounds of pretty!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Okay, so this was a ton of reverse. Reverse works well for me. I have a ton of skinny pics, but I don't want topublish anything from any girls who belong to the communities, and I can't remember what came from where.


Not hungry now, are we?

Current Mood: curious
9:34 am
[thehappyana]
To contact me
   If you want to email me you can at tinylilkara@yahoo.com.

   
Is my boyfriend going to be with me through this thing? When he met me, I wasn't in a hard year of ana. I was in a recovery kind of thing. I just ate pretty much normal and hid my body with hoodies, but always felt ashamed. I actually used a lot of ephedra when it was still in diet products. I used a ton of it, it so great I could go for three or four days without touching anything to eat. Wehn they took it off the market, i didn't know what was going to truly help my metabolism. I heard that taking those pills messes up your metabolism in the long run,so I thought I could never lose weight again no matter how I looked. The thing that made me determined to lose weight again is that my mother made very mean comments to me last summer when she saw me. She hadn't seen me in like three years and alll she would do is talk about my weight, which I didn't know was bad. I thought I was just a normal girl. It made me so tearful and upset, I never wanted to talk to her again. I didn't think I would. My boyfriend wanted to give me workout clothes for Christmas, and even if hsi only intent was because he knew I was woking out and needed some clothes, it still hurt and screamed" you're not thin enough for me." So my ana behavior started creeping up again. Ana screams" why diet? just do it my way, the only way to lose weight." Starving and throwing up have become a daily cycle which I enjoy like people enjoy their favortie tv show; I look forward to not eating, to throwing up. It gives me feelings of happiness and accomplishment. Today I'm just going to drink water and maybe some caffiene. Going to have  apiece of whole wheat toast early on and eat nothing for the rest of the day. Even that feels like a lot. Goood luck today, you are beautiful so let yourself shine.:-)


Current Mood: good
Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
6:56 am
[thehappyana]
Morning!
I'm up and going to work. I will message and comment back to stuff later today. My boyfriend came over last night and I was napping so I didn't have time to really reply to anything.:-) Today feels like it's going to be a good day. Keep your head up. I'm going to have a spicy v8 and that's it. 70 cals.:)
I took this pic the oter day for no reason, just fooling around.

Current Mood: busy
Monday, June 4th, 2007
6:40 pm
[thehappyana]
Everyone one throws up, right?
In my mind, throwing up is normal. It takes away the guilt from eating. When I break down and eat, it can be fixed and washed away. I throw up until my body will give no more, until I see blood. It's a finish line for me. I feel like everyone throws up, that it's normal. How could they not? How can they eat without guilt? Why are they not afraid of fat? One thiry minute Curves session won't cut it. Lean Cuisine meals and Weight Watcher goodies seem like eating a lot. Anything is a lot to me. The only thing I will try not to throw up is veggies, but I end of throwing up everything that isn't water and diet coke. Today I ate broccoli for lunch. It was 30 cals a serving. That was a lot. Today, I ate a little dinner but no sooner had I swallowed it I was in the bathroom maaking sure it came out. I do everything not to eat, but when I screw up I throw up. Throwing up cause puffy face, tooth decay, and blood vessels pop in the eyes. Throwing up is a really bad thing. It doesn't hurt as much as watching the scale go up. I'd throw up my wedding cake. I don't want to be fat. Humpfh.

Current Mood: calm
1:18 pm
[rose_is_trying]
Modern American Christianity
I need help. I know a couple of you girls are Christians. I started my relationship with God when I was about 12. Like most people, I've had my ups and downs; points where I'm on fire for God, and points where He feels so distant.
I've been going to the same church for almost 2 years. I've been to soooooo many in my life, of all different denominations. I stopped going to my church of 2 years recently (it's an Assemblies of God church, very charasmatic, which I've always identified with very well). I don't know what's wrong with me. Since I left my church, I've visited a few others. I dont identify myself with a specific denomination. I just know the I love God and I want to be His forever. I seem to be SO DISAPOINTED in every church I visit. The reason I left my church of 2 years is because I used to play guitar on the worship team in the kids venue (my church has 12,000 people...there are alot of different venues.) So anyways, during my time playing on the worship team, I saw what things were REALLY like behind the scenes. When you're in the congrgation, everything seems so real and the worhsip team seems genuine and it seems like God is really being glorified. But as a member of the worship team, it was so different. I couldn't stand the things I was seeing. I left the worship team. I left the church.
I am not going to any church right now. I feel distant from God. I don't know what I believe anymore. Modern American Christianity seems so messed up today.
Because I don't know what I believe anymore, the only thing that gets me through the day is a Psalm I read a few days ago. I just keep saying to myself "The Lord is my Hope. The Lord is my strength." I know the Lord is the only thing that will get me through this time. Maybe this has to do with my ED and being depressed often. My mind seems cloudy...like I can't get to God. I just want things to be like they would be after I came home for a youth retreat or youth convention when I was younger. I was SOOOO happy and upbeat about being a child of God. All I wanted and thought about was Him.
I want that. I'm slipping away. I don't want Him to leave me. I feel like if I died, I don't know what would happen to me. And thats the scariest thing in the world to me.
I want to put up a real picture of me. I look nothing like the girl in the picture. I'm blonde. tall. currently at a thin point. Rose isn't even my real name.
If any of you are Christians, please tell me if you ever think these thoughts about the modern church. How do you keep close to God?
love.
me
Sunday, June 3rd, 2007
11:33 pm
[thehappyana]
Is Nicole Richie getting treatment for ed?
Richie is the current poster girl for ana. Even if she isn't ana, she looks the part enough to be idolized for her tiny frame. Do we even remeber when she was chubby? I mean by chubby the first season of the Simple Life? Those images of her are all but gone in the furthest memories of our minds. She was photographed going into a rehab center that focuses in eating disorders.

On another note, on Self.com I was reading their interview with Hilary Duff on how she credits pilates on helping her lose weight and change her body. I really think it's more to it than that. She's so skinny for her body's natural dynamics. I think she isn't eating very much anymore. She went from a C to an A cup!

I always think about the famous girls who fought ed in enerations past. Who can forget the beautiful Karen Carpenter, who battled with it before people called it more than dieting? She lost her life at such a young age from it. Marie Osmond had bulimia and she continues to battle depression to this day. I think problems with food and women are much more common than is let on, it's important that we shouldn't feel ashamed for how we feel.

Today my boyfriend Alex had a serious talk with me about everything. I just giggled when he brought things uo and dodged it. I didn't mean to, but I explained to him that talking about it embarrasses me. It makes me feel ashamed that when I do eat, I can't help but throw it up. I feel guilty over eating fruit or cucumber.

There are two sides to me.

1. World Kara-I'm very wrapped up in what others think of me, afraid people will stop loving me,inhealthy views of food,anxious,can get depressed,discouraged easily.
2. Soul Kara- the girl that I am when I'm not on this crutch. I'm devoted to helping people, living for God, and making the world a better place. I like this Kara more for what I am all around.

I would like to bring up an important thing. Food was my first comfort. My Mom and Dad beat each other in front ot me. I remember being under my blankies about three or four, and I had my "baba" and was just watching them go at it. I felt safe with my bottle. That led me to find comfort in food. As a result, I have come to think that any food will make me fat and even veggies will make me increase in size overnight.

I would be interested to here if any of you out there feel an inner struggle between your ana and yourself that you truly want to be. Hugs.

Current Mood: loved
9:48 am
[thehappyana]
It's morning time.
My boyfriend and I are getting ready for church. That makes me happy. We haven't been able to go the last three weeks. Somehow, church keeps my ed in check. It's like I feel more loved the rest of the week and less tempted to throw up or do any of the habits that annoy me.:-) I'm going to be positive and strong,:-)

Current Mood: artistic
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